We were in the car when she asked the question:
“What are you working so hard to do, here? What is in your hand that you are not willing to let go of?” Those words poured out of my friend’s mouth, and I gripped the steering wheel tighter.
My gut reaction to words like those is to brace myself, to clench my fist, to literally stiffen and tighten every muscle in my body. It’s the outside evidence of the same kind of tightening that happens to me on the inside.
Control. Yep.
It’s not that she was wrong to ask. It’s not even that I disagreed with her. It was more that I knew (or at least I was pretty sure) that if I allowed myself to go too far down that path, I would quickly come face-to-face with things I really didn’t want to deal with… things that scared me.
So I did what I always do: Grip the wheel and just keep driving.
The steering wheel wasn’t that thing in my hands that she was talking about. Obviously. And yet, as I look back, she might have been talking about a different steering wheel – like the one that steers my life.
In the days that followed, I kept hearing my friend’s voice in my head. “What are you holding on to?”
I began to realize that I was totally gripping the wheel – the one that was never mine to have.
I realized I say I trust God. I say that I believe He will take care of me. I say a lot of things… and yet, when it comes down to it – sometimes I think I trust God with my eternity but maybe not so much with my “right now” life.
I trust that I’m going to heaven, but I’m not as willing to let go of the steering wheel in those things that matter right now. Things like jobs. And money. And my kids. And my stubborn pride.
And that makes no sense at all.
Because I’m not in control. (Maybe you need a minute to swallow that one, like I do!) I’m not in control. Control is a lie. It might even be the ultimate lie. I actually don’t really have any control over anything, no matter how much I think I do.
For me, control is about fear. It’s the voice in my head that says, “I’m afraid, so I need to make this work in a way that doesn’t scare me.”
Maybe instead of gripping the wheel tighter when I get scared, I should do the exact opposite. Maybe I should just open my hand. Maybe I should surrender.
Now, I’m not saying to literally let go of the steering wheel while driving! But in those moments where I am hanging on to things that maybe aren’t so good for me, maybe I should re-evaluate why I feel the need to steer my own life instead of handing the wheel over to the One who really is in control.
Maybe I should just let it go… isn’t it easier when we let go? The letting go itself is hard (so hard!), because it forces us to get in the passenger’s seat and trust the One who is driving. But when we do that, there is room to breathe. There is peace. There is freedom.
Over the next days and weeks, I began to slowly entertain this idea of releasing control. What happened was amazing. Each and every time I took a step forward in faith, God would show me His faithfulness.
I released fear… God gave peace.
I gave doubt… God gave faith.
I stepped out, and He backed me up.
Every. Single. Time.
And it allowed me to learn to trust. I’m learning to trust God with my “right now” life. And He took my world and shook it up, so much so that my life looks nothing like it did just a few weeks ago. I should be freaking out, and if I’m honest, I have to say I am a little! But even in the anxiety, I know these are changes are desperately needed and they are good for me. There is a sense of peace even in the moments where I’m not sure where we are going.
Change takes risk. Risk means letting go of the steering wheel. And letting go means we get to be free to enjoy the view from the passenger’s seat.
And that view is pretty amazing.
My Right Now Life 